The Mistake We Make About Language and Belonging
Why “trying harder” doesn’t resolve what moving abroad actually exposes
One of the most destabilizing parts of moving abroad isn’t logistics, bureaucracy, or culture shock.
It’s the mistake people make when they assume that every uncomfortable feeling is a problem to solve—or a sign that something has gone wrong.
When discomfort shows up months or even years into the experience, it’s often labeled as a “honeymoon period ending.”
When I first got in Spain, I did a lot of things I no longer do after a year. It’s not because the honeymoon period ended or “reality set in.” It’s because I developed a routine and started to fill my days with what best suits it. A sandwich with classic Spanish ingredients every morning at 10:30 no longer made sense for my lifestyle—or did any favors for my waistline.
Changes after the first few months in a place aren’t about the novelty wearing off.
This framing is is convenient, but shallow. It reduces complex psychological exposure to a timing issue. It gives you a pass. Blame the place—and use not wanting to eat jamón everyday as a placeholder for addressing the significant and adult discomfort of thrusting yourself into a new life.
A reader captured this better than any checklist ever could:
I moved to France three years ago and, although I have no regrets and plan to stay indefinitely, I’ve been overshadowed by a vague yet constant feeling of “not belonging.”
I assumed it was because I wasn’t progressing fast enough with the language. Everyone I talked to gave the same advice: work harder, take more classes, spend more time with native speakers, make more French friends.
You’re the first person to confirm what I’ve been coming to realize—that this feeling may never fully go away, no matter how fluent I become.
She wasn’t failing.
She was being told to address the wrong thing—and to blame herself when it didn’t work.
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