How It Works: The Hidden Rule of Life Abroad
How people try to rebuild competence abroad
When you move abroad—or place yourself indefinitely in another super unfamiliar setting—your ego takes a hit in part because you become incompetent. Things that were once second nature—run on muscle memory—now create a constant practical and psychological tension you can’t quite place.
I consume a mountain of move abroad content. And the recurring theme across nearly all of it is this idea that once you settle in or get past the “honeymoon period,” you’ll be competent again—just like you were back “home.”
My sense after nearly a year is that competence does not return. It doesn’t come back all at once. It reforms in fragments. And I don’t think you—or I—will ever get full fluency + control at the same time. Not in the language, not socioculturally.
That said—
Living abroad isn’t about regaining competence. It’s about learning how to function without it.
It’s also about embracing the loss of competence as a challenge. Not a problem that causes you to recoil by finding people who speak your language, joining “expat” groups, or returning “home” because Spain—or wherever—“wasn’t what we thought it was going be.”
I mean—what in the hell did you expect it to be?
What exactly do I mean by loss of competence? I could go on all day, but here are some examples:
You can speak, but not precisely.
You understand, but always a beat late.
You complete tasks, but without confidence or almost always with rehearsal.
You interact socially, but with tons of doubt after the fact.
These things aren’t failures. They’re just the default. And I don’t think it’s possible to ever fully erase your incompetence—or be fully competent—when you’re operating in a culture that has a head start on you.
I mean I see six-year olds speaking fluent Spanish on the streets and I’m like—how in the world did that kid get so good? It would be a really dumb exercise in futility to think I’ll suddenly catch up.
This is the work most people don’t realize they’re signing up for when they move abroad. If you want writing that deals with the mechanics—not the fantasy—I write that here.
So I think there is—
A Hidden Rule of Life Abroad
Something I rarely if ever see expressed.